no ideas

The ideas of blogging bring to mind a level of self indulgent narcissism, that has been unparalleled throughout history. Yet I find myself starting one today. This incredibly strong notion of self importance, is one that has been a fundamental building block in my short thirty years of existence. However, I feel that changing, and changing at such a pace that truly scares me, and not just a little. This sort of admission is something that would have never used to be utter past my lips, but for some reason they just keep coming. Perhaps it is some premature midlife crisis or something more substantive to my personal aging process, or it is possible that I'm just finally growing up. who knows? who cares? i really don't. Whatever the root causes may be, I am still stuck in this befuddled muck of confusion while I go through whatever metamorphosis this happens to be. Either way, I sit back and look at the things I have done, as well as the things that I have planned for myself, and I am filled with conflicting emotions about all of them.
For those of you that do not know me, this kind of openness and vulnerability is mostly out of character. For those of you that do know me, you have always known that one of the main reasons why I have always been so distant from most, is primarily out of a sense of self protection, preservation, and a strong disappointment in the vast majority of the rest of humanity. The world events(current and historical), savage capitalistic ideas and its effects on the people that I know and don't, and trite expressions of thought are all the negative influences in my overly obsessive mindset, and these are the things the inspire me to do nothing and everything all at once. I still haven't figured out how to accomplish that though.
As it stands, I am about to turn thirty, still trying to finish a college degree, planning on pursuing another, I have accomplished some pretty amazing things, but find solace in none, in love with ideas that do not love me, hurt by the calloused nature of man, astonished and aroused by its potential, blessed with brilliant ideas, cursed with little motivation, and quite possibly one of the most depressingly happy or happily depressed people that I know. If any of these things will be true tomorrow, I'll be shocked and amazed.... I guess we will have to see.